my horoscope yesterday said that what i think is a bad situation may be an illusion and may indeed lead to a change i’ve been looking for. crossing my fingers this means the bf is ready to take the step to quit for good this time. we’ll see…
i’ve told him that i want to support his quitting in any way i can and that i know it’s hard and that everyone has “slip-ups” but that by the new year it will have been a year of trying and by the end of january i’ll need to really evaluate if i need to look for a new place to live when our lease is up in march.
yogamum, sometimes “harsh” is really just “true” and i appreciate your honesty.
see, i may be kidding myself here, but i think of it more as being honest than setting forth an ultimatum. (when i ended my previous six-year relationship he said he didn’t see it coming even though i said i was unhappy all the time – thus, i’ve learned to be straight-forward and honest no matter the cost). better to let someone know where you stand and let them make their decisions knowing the consequences.
so there it is.
cross your fingers for me – i love this man and i don’t want something so stupid take him away from me but i’m a smart enough cookie to know i have to love myself even more and if it comes to it i’ll have to make that hard decision for my own good.

betraying myself here…

i normally don’t like to spill my guts online to strangers but really, what’s a girl to do when she’s got a problem and her girlfriends are biased? so here goes….
my boyfriend is amazing – he’s kind and he’s funny – he loves me. my friends love him. he brings a light to my life each day. if given the choice to be right or to be kind, he will choose to be kind each and every time. he is four years younger than i am…. and he smokes.
i am a yoga instructor and a vegan and a non-smoker. i try to honor myself and others in all of my actions – i wake up each day and try to extend my compassion just as much to my stumbling, sometimes doubting, akward self as i do to each person i meet. i believe in sacrifice – i don’t think we should give into every inpulse and succumb to each desire. i believe in discipline and righteousness.
i had a six year relationship that i ended (as much as anyone ever ends a relationship) about two and a half years ago and as much as i’d like to pretend it didn’t – it has affected my willingness to extend myself past a certain point. i am in my late 20’s and very sure of what i would like to see happen in my life… whether it will or not i don’t know. in a total surprise to myself and my family, i have a new(ish) and burning desire to get married and start a family.
i’ve told my boyfriend i won’t accept a marriage proposal until he quits. and i mean it.
he’s told me he wants to marry me – but he’s not ready yet. (reasonable). he keeps trying to quit. and he keeps smoking. and he’s lied to me about it. and tonight i found out from a friend that he works with that he’s smoking at work – a fact he’s neglected to mention to me. we’ve been on a “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy so that i could find a way out of hounding him about it and quit playing “mommy” – but now that i’ve found out he’s smoking i am FURIOUS. it feels like a direct hit to the heart punctuated by a big fat “i don’t care enought about you to give this up” to the face.
we talk about it and he tells me over and over he is trying. he tells me time & again how hard it is and how his effort should count for something.
it sucks and it hurts.
and i’m left trying to decide where his decision leaves me.
how long do i wait? how much patience do i have? i know quitting is hard and he’s making the effort but do i wait another year? another two years? the longer i stay the harder it will be to leave… if that’s indeed what it comes down to.
i don’t want it to.
but my wants don’t have anything to do with reality. i won’t continue to share my life with a smoker. simply will not.
so what am i to do? being mad isn’t fair. holding it over his head isn’t fair. i have a decision to make – because it seems like he keeps making his decision. the cigarettes are winning. i am losing.

frivolity

on a day when the rest of the world is being reflective and solemn, i find myself in the clouds. consumed with thoughts of yoga-super-stars and plagued with questions about my own future. today seems like one of those days where i can’t quite keep my head on straight – it just keeps spinning… and i don’t mind so much cause being dizzy is kind of fun. i spent the morning imagining being famous in the yoga world and what that really means.
see, i had a student in my class this morning that’s moved here from the malibu area and has crammed herself into those 200 people yoga-super-star classes – mine was full at eight people! while i’ve done quite a few workshops with the “big dogs”, she’s been a part of that hype, that celebrity, and seen what it does to a group of people. how it’s affected the class dynamic. how it may have affected the quality of teaching. the attention. the love. we talked about how they charge up to $150/hour for a private lesson…. and how she says i’m just as good as they are (a compliment i both want to believe and find quite simply IMPOSSIBLE to believe – but say a hearty “thank you!” to at any rate) but yet i don’t have health insurance and do the hustle everyday driving ALL OVER god’s green earth to make my ends meet… and think i’m rollin’ in it because i have enough to go out to eat or to the movies and not stress that i can’t pay the bills – that’s high livin’ i say!
so i daydreamed… and worried. how long can i do this hustle? how could i ever support a family? how can i continue to live my dream AND have the security blanket i so need and long for? it’s hard! and i don’t have the answers…..

and then, on a totally frivolous note: i am deeply considering “blinging out” my cell phone for the hell of it! i’ve always thought it would be hilarious and i KNOW i can do it myself (i pride myself on my DIY craftiness) instead of paying someone $400 to do it – www.nycpeach.com. and i think it would bring me some silly joy to spend hours hand gluing rhinestones to my cell phone… and even more joy each time i pull that shiny, obnoxious thing out of my purse and put it up to my ear – i think i’d smile alot!

and the beat goes on…

it’s been so long since i last posted! to tell the truth, i have been both distracted and disabled. the distraction… life. the disability…. life.
to make a long, long story short:
two weeks ago i pulled my back out and set a vertebra in my spine slightly askew. sounds fun? no. it was painful and dibilitating… but profound.
see, last year i broke both of my ankles in a rock climbing fall and i never really slowed down to heal. my mother kidnapped me for 2 weeks and took me to her house in florida to heal but truth-be-told it didn’t do any good. i should’ve known better – hell, i did know better – but i just kept truckin’ like nothing happened. i drove a car with a cast on my right foot and my left one severely sprained. i hobbled around on my crutches and taught a full schedule (sometimes i even demonstrated postures!). and the whole time i thought i was being “strong”. i was being STUBBORN. and more important, i was putting others ahead of myself. i felt the pressure of my students “missing me” and “needing their yoga” and i felt scared to sit still that long – scared they’d move on somehow.
and so this time, after putting others before my own health and well-being as a general routine and putting a student’s body ahead of my own, the lesson was offered up to me once again.
and so i lay. flat on my back on my hardwood floor. crying and moaning and wishing it would all just go away. and i began to meditate……
in the quiet of my empty house and in the dark of my dining room, i closed my eyes and listened. and after i while i began to figure it all out – the fear and the pain were something more than muscles and something more than spine. i was afraid that if i didn’t live up to everyone’s expectations (as a teacher, as a girlfriend, as a daughter, as a sister, as a friend, as a wiser, smarter, more YOGIC being) then i would let them down. it never occurred to me that my students actually really did miss me – that they really did look up to me and that if i was going to serve them (and everyone else) in the way i seek to serve others always, i had to be better to myself. i had to value my own body and my own time just like i encouraged them to do.
and it’s all so simple and it’s all so damn blatant and obvious and sickeningly EASY – but it’s the hardest thing in the world to practice sometimes!
and then i listened a little more… and i meditated alot more…. and i realized that part of my now valuing myself properly was not speaking up and giving a voice to some of my deepest needs. *** this became gloriously clear when i went to the chiropractor and had x-rays done and the one vertebra that was out was only visible in the x-ray taken with my mouth WIDE OPEN!!! read anatomy of the spirit by caroline myss immediately if you have not already ***
so after many more hours meditating, and many hours of self-induced therapy, i managed to heal myself and am mobile once again. a huge feat considering when my love came home wednesday night i told him that if i couldn’t walk the next day then i’d just have to wait another and was totally prepared to do that – walking wasn’t the goal – healing was/is.
and so i am practicing a whole new yoga. and it is difficult and wonderful.

all day today i’ve had that enlightened, euphoric feeling. the deepest appreciation for this life. and it’s been awesome.
i am reading a great book after the ecstacy, the laundry by jack kornfield – i haven’t read very much just yet but it is so inspiring and reassuring.

i especially love this quote from suzuki roshi:
strictly speaking, there are no enlightened people, there is only enlightened activity

be well.