betraying myself here…
September 26, 2006
i normally don’t like to spill my guts online to strangers but really, what’s a girl to do when she’s got a problem and her girlfriends are biased? so here goes….
my boyfriend is amazing – he’s kind and he’s funny – he loves me. my friends love him. he brings a light to my life each day. if given the choice to be right or to be kind, he will choose to be kind each and every time. he is four years younger than i am…. and he smokes.
i am a yoga instructor and a vegan and a non-smoker. i try to honor myself and others in all of my actions – i wake up each day and try to extend my compassion just as much to my stumbling, sometimes doubting, akward self as i do to each person i meet. i believe in sacrifice – i don’t think we should give into every inpulse and succumb to each desire. i believe in discipline and righteousness.
i had a six year relationship that i ended (as much as anyone ever ends a relationship) about two and a half years ago and as much as i’d like to pretend it didn’t – it has affected my willingness to extend myself past a certain point. i am in my late 20’s and very sure of what i would like to see happen in my life… whether it will or not i don’t know. in a total surprise to myself and my family, i have a new(ish) and burning desire to get married and start a family.
i’ve told my boyfriend i won’t accept a marriage proposal until he quits. and i mean it.
he’s told me he wants to marry me – but he’s not ready yet. (reasonable). he keeps trying to quit. and he keeps smoking. and he’s lied to me about it. and tonight i found out from a friend that he works with that he’s smoking at work – a fact he’s neglected to mention to me. we’ve been on a “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy so that i could find a way out of hounding him about it and quit playing “mommy” – but now that i’ve found out he’s smoking i am FURIOUS. it feels like a direct hit to the heart punctuated by a big fat “i don’t care enought about you to give this up” to the face.
we talk about it and he tells me over and over he is trying. he tells me time & again how hard it is and how his effort should count for something.
it sucks and it hurts.
and i’m left trying to decide where his decision leaves me.
how long do i wait? how much patience do i have? i know quitting is hard and he’s making the effort but do i wait another year? another two years? the longer i stay the harder it will be to leave… if that’s indeed what it comes down to.
i don’t want it to.
but my wants don’t have anything to do with reality. i won’t continue to share my life with a smoker. simply will not.
so what am i to do? being mad isn’t fair. holding it over his head isn’t fair. i have a decision to make – because it seems like he keeps making his decision. the cigarettes are winning. i am losing.
OH sister, do I know how you feel! I am in a similar situation…..have been with my bf for 3 years, he is younger than me, and he smokes! He too, has also tried quitting several times, but it never lasts more than a couple days. As soon as he gets stressed out about something, off to the store he goes to buy a pack of smokes. He has told me since the day we met that he plans on quitting; that was 3 years ago. We live together, and I absolutely will not allow smoking in the house, or when I am in his vehicle. I have made several comments as hints to him, like he stinks, and I won’t go near him, or when we are bike riding, and he is gasping for breath..I let him know that it would be much easier if he didn’t smoke. I am very critical of him not quitting, as I used to be a smoker myself, and quit cold turkey 9 years ago. Granted, I only smoked for 5 years, but I was able to do it. But, if you want an honest opinion, I don’t think that giving an ultimatum will work. Saying to pick the smokes or pick me doesn’t really seem fair, because I don’t think he’s making an conscious “choice” between you or the smokes, and ultimatum’s can put people on the defensive. Maybe try getting some brochures from your local health centre that he can look at to see different ways to try to cut down, and eventually quit,as well as ways to deal with the cravings when he is stressed out. There are alot of different products out there that can also help with quitting. Now if only I can find one that will help my bf ……..
ugh! that’s just it! he’s done so well! used the losenge – the gum. and then we end up in the same place all over.
i know the “timeline” will kill you in the end but COME ON! i feel the clock ticking. it is important enough to me to make the decision that i can’t commit any further to our relationship if he continues but i’m trying to break down what that really means to me.
it’s never easy. but today it feels especially hard.
thanks for your advice and kind words – i appreciate it!
and good luck to you and your bf too!
I don’t know, having seen the shape my dad’s in after 45 years of smoking (and drinking, too), I think I would cut my losses sooner rather than later.
I guess that is a pretty cold thing to say, huh? But thinking about the potential health effects for you, for hypothetical children someday…it’s not a trivial issue. All I can say is I empathize and hope you work it out for the best.
Smoking wouldn’t make me end a relationship, especially if the person could cut back to an acceptable level (3 cigs a day or so)
Excessive smoking, ashtrays heaped with cigs, a house that reeks, chain smoking 2 packs a day, that would make me try to get him into some program to end to stop that behavior, and go to couple’s therapy because second hand smoke is bad.
Hiding the behavior is like a guy in AA hiding a beer someplace,and drinking it warm/ or an obese person hiding a cake and eating it in a closet.– smoking is simply one dangerous habit that must be addressed. He knows this, right?