mantra of the week: “i will not be a doormat!”

well, we’re all taught the lessons we need to learn one way or the other and it seems that mine has sought me out with a vengeance! i have been pursued by a new client whom i can safely classify as “persistant and pushy” – he’s a big businessman who is used to everyone around him saying “yes” and i have a very hard time saying “no” – i actualy like to think i am extremely giving and kind, but in reality i am afraid of confrontation and telling someone no…. so here comes my practice. i am VERY excited to have the business and therefore the income but i am going to have to find a way to hold my peace in the midst of his choas and to set my boundaries pretty firmly.
for instance, he has decided that yoga is his “thing” and wants to schedule as many lessons with me as i have time for in a week (he actually asked me to print out my schedule so he could see when i am free so he can “fill in the gaps”) – sounds amazing huh? well, it is. but i value my time and my sanity more than the money that business will bring me and i am not about to give up my beautiful afternoon park visits with my puppy to make a buck.
so my mom, who gives awesome advice (even if it’s cause she’s gone through it all once and done it all wrong once!), made an amazing suggestion that’s very simple but i wouldn’t have done: actually SCHEDULE those times for yourself. put in a code word or simply make up your own alias and schedule private time when you need it. you don’t have to explain – you just have to say those times are unavailable. afterall, how can i help others find their inner peace if i sell mine for a few extra bucks a month?! brilliant!

pain management/ mind management

(first off, i am proud to report i had a GREAT practice after the last post- hooray!)

today i suffered from cramps that i can only describe as hellacious. really, hell on earth. and i hate taking medication but i resorted to it and it didn’t even seem to begin to work until 2 hours later. i am lucky to have the most amazing man in the world by my side to be so sweet when i feel like performing some insane self-surgury to rid me of my uterus!

i tried lying in (pre-emptive apology here for misspellings) supta baddhakonasana – balasana – vipiriti kirani – bhujangasana – and then alternately the fetal position and savasana… i thrashed around on the bed and cried to my dog. nothing helped. tried ujjai breathing.

anyway, i have a theory that my body is mad that i am not making babies. my uterus is angry. and then i think “i can’t have kids! i want to do natural childbirth and i can’t even make it through some menstrual cramps?!?”……..

and then i come back to sanity and realize i really don’t need a child right now and that the present moment is beautiful just as it is. and everything comes in it’s own time (and probably that time will be when my significant other also is ready for a baby). and finally, that my uterus isn’t angry – it’s productive. it’s healthy. it’s a part of me and not a separate entity that taking over my body and trying to make me cry.

and i make peace with my body and watch the pain subside (that and the meds finally did kick in !)

strength wanted: apply within

this is the sign currently hanging on my forehead.
my boyfriend (BF) has just walked out the door to go to work for the evening and i have two hours before i must go babysit (just realized exactly how much i sound like a sixteen year old in that sentence and it’s funny cause…well, i am more than a decade older than that – but hey! i am still young and don’t have kids of my own and any extra income is still indeed income! and it helps out one of my yoga students who’s raising two kids alone get a night away)
so….
i know i need to go in the other room and spread out my mat and get a practice in but… oooh, i really really can think of a thousand things to do instead!

karaoke brings out the worst in all of us

so tonight my friend, “twin”, and i decided that karaoke would bring the world together in sing-a-long fun.
we were wrong.
there was a huge group of yuppie kids (sorority/frat kids) that didn’t appreciate our vocal stylings or song choices -nor did we enjoy theirs really. and also a very nice group of rock-a-billie kids who sang alot of old-school country. but i found myself participating in a “pick them apart” conversation about how theywere different from us and it made me really uncomfortable and yet i didn’t know how to gracefully bow myself out of it.
there are simply times in social settings where your friends expect a response from you that totally agrees with their own views so they feel validated.
we all do this.
so i felt weird. and found myself buying into things i really don’t want to buy into. judgements and feelings i am trying to rid myself of and yet, for the sake of social interaction, find myself surrounded by and occasionally participating in.
boo.
i guess the real question i am left asking myself is how do i make new choices for myself/continue to evolve into a new being when those around me keep expecting the same old thing and balking everytime i step outside their expectations?
i guess the real answer is – oh well, too bad for them.
and if this includes family…. best friends… partners????

running to stand still?

i still don’t get running. yes, i’ve never been one to love running and therefore i am biased and perhaps a little judgemental but really, why would one want to participate in an activity that almost guarantees some sort of surgery is in your future? do you know how many knee surgeries i’ve seen? how many of my clients have daily pain and STILL continue to run? it’s totally bizarre to me!
i did a yoga weekend with brian kest a while back and he talked about how yoga is different from sport because there is no competition in yoga – and when i brought this up to a client who loves running she responded that that’s why she ran – a long run by herself was just for herself – time alone, meditation in motion, etc. but what i wonder is if running isn’t (for some people at least) a competition with oneself. that continual pushing – how far can i push myself, how long can i run? how fast can i run? how “fit” can i be? how great can my body look?
this morning i taught “zany” and her husband a private lesson. she kept talking about how fit he was and he reiterated time and again how athletic he was and yet HE COULD BARELY MOVE!
don’t get me wrong, i think cardio excercise is GREAT! but running seems so harmful and you end up with such tightness. it’s like a prescription for tension – want to add to the tension at the back of your body? does that sound fun? then run!
and i generally have found that those personalities that have a harder time slowing down mentally (vata) are the ones who run. and well it makes sense doesn’t it? if you are an “active” person, you’ll seek out an “active” form of excercise. but then aren’t you really just feeding the problem? if you’re looking for a remedy, a way to slow down your mind and take some time out to become peaceful, then slow down the body. afterall, body and mind are connected – we know this. and i’m not saying it will be easy…. and that’s why it’s called a yoga practice!
but i can’t stress enough that i am not saying never run or that running is unanimously bad. but be mindful of how and why you run. balance that activity with softness. run mindfully and most importantly listen to your body – if it says stop/pause then respect it and yourself by doing so.
the reason we practice yoga is to keep supple and be open. open to the present moment. open to listen to the knowledge within our own hearts. open to the lessons of life. open to the possibility for change (which is inevitable) and supple enough to move with it. if the mighty oak tree didn’t sway in the wind it’d snap in two.
remember: the saying is STOP to smell the roses not run right past them!

sleeping babe

this afternoon i went to teach “posh” – knocked on the door and as usual heard a “come in” that sounded more like an exaperated sigh than words… and i knew it was another one of those days. he’s been so down lately. and i try to make it better somehow in that short hour that we breathe together but most of the time i think he’s still just excercising. i get frustrated – really frustrated – but then the love eventually flows.
as he was lying in savasana and i was rubbing his feet i thought about the magdeline washing jesus’ feet – thought about how it’s a bowing of sorts… and i began to bow in my heart. and by the time i got to rubbing his temples i saw a sweetness wash over his face and he was like a baby sleeping. and i hoped that i was right in thinking that he was a little more peaceful.
even if it was only until i rung the bell and he jumped up off of his mat like it was on fire to check his cell phone for missed calls.